Off to the Races

In Morgantown, they have the pepperoni roll races. Three people dressed as giant pepperoni rolls start in the outfield and run around the warning track until they reach the first-base line.

The participants include Hot Pepper Hank, Double Stuffed Dave (a most unfortunate name) and Pepperoni and Cheese Patty. Yes, Patty is a girl. Yes, they come in your choice of fillings and gender.

The fans cheer on their favorite pepperoni roll despite the fact that pepperoni rolls don’t necessarily run very well or very fast. But at least they’re making the effort to get some exercise.

The last game I attended, Hot Pepper Hank won the race. He was immediately embraced by the Black Bear mascot and promptly eaten.

I’m kidding, of course. Black Bears don’t like hot peppers.

Of course, the Black Bears are not the only team to have anthropomorphic objects racing each other.

There is a team in the desert Southwest that plays on the region’s atomic bomb origins by having two people dressed up as neutrons. They don’t race each other; they run toward each other as fast as they can, and when they collide, there is a small, harmless nuclear reaction in right field.

No one ever gets hurt in the contest, but it has, on occasion, scorched the Astro-turf.

Another team from Canada has a person dressed like Justin Beiber, and he is racing to get away from the security guards.

A California team has racing Cronuts — a pastry that combines croissants and donuts. Most nights, one or more of the participants has a heart attack before reaching the finish line.

Also in California, three buckets race to fill up with water.

In Seattle, three Arabica beans race to be the first to jump into a giant coffee grinder.

North Dakota has a team with natural gas wells that race each other, unless, of course, the price gets too low, and then they just hand out T-shirts.

In Kansas, three automobiles are filled with ethanol. The first one that stalls out by the time it reaches the foul pole wins.

Capitalizing on our fascination with zombies, a team in the Southeast has three undead contestants race for the brains concessionaire.

Then there is the team that has guys dressed up like Donald Trump, Bill Cosby and a selfie stick. They’re racing for the exits.